Can I Forgive Myself?
by Sparticus328
Summary: Alec follows Max out of crash, making himself her unofficial guardian. However, Max confronts him with his own past. Can Alec forgive himself for what Manticore made him do?


Disclaimer: You know I don't have any right to any of DA...but I love to write fic for it anyway :)

A/N: FYI, it's another one of those in-response-to-class-assignment things...like "Call It Freedom." I must say this writing class I'm taking is really allowing me to explore alternate ways to do things, in approach I mean. Anyway, please read it. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, and reveiws would be appreciated. Thanks!!

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**Can I Forgive Myself?**

Max looked across the table at Alec. Their friends were chattering all around them as usual, but something was off. Ever since the Barrisford incident, Alec was a different person. No one else seemed to notice, they all interacted as if he was the same person they had seen at work the entire time before it happened. Yet, Max could tell.

She didn't want to make assumptions saying that she knew him. The ordeal had told her well enough that she had no idea who Alec really was. The face that he showed everyone was only a glimpse of who he really was. He never opened up, never let anyone get close.

Max took a moment to observe the conversation. No one had picked up on her brooding thoughts. Good. She stood quietly and edged away from the table. OC was so bent on re-educating Sketchy that she didn't notice her stand, and Sketchy was too close to cowering from the irate female that he didn't dare distract himself by looking elsewhere.

Alec saw her subtle movements, though, and stood to follow. Max almost shook her head at how he followed her. Despite how badly she treated him sometimes, he never left her side. If she could say one thing about him that she knew for certain, it was that he never wavered. He had always been there for her before, and he was now. She couldn't figure out why.

Max maneuvered her way around the other tables in the room on her way to the door, her mind wandering to the tall figure shadowing her movements. What made him do what he did?

As they stepped outside the wind picked up, not unlikely for Seattle, and for once it wasn't raining. Max looked up at the sky and hoped that the clouds would hold off for the rest of the night. She missed seeing the stars.

"Alec," She barked over her shoulder. "Why do you always follow me around?!" Max forced herself to sound irritated with his constant presence. In actuality, it was a comfort, having been the only one of her kind in the area for so long. She no longer felt alone, now that Alec was there. But her pride wouldn't let her hold any other kind of ground between them. Their relation existed only as heated discussion.

"What do you mean?" Alec looked away from her, shrugging off the idea that he had been following her.

Max took on a calmer attitude, speaking more seriously with him. "You're always around. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but you seem to be shadowing me."

"It's nothing, Max," he evaded. "I just happened to be leaving at the same time."

"I don't think so." She turned to face him. "There's something else going on, isn't there?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Alec continued forward, intending to walk past her, proving his point. But Max knew him better than to let his sub-par explanation go as it was.

She brought her hand up to his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. "Look, if you're bound to some kind of twisted sense of honor, protecting me, you don't need to be. I'm perfectly able to defend myself, as you are acutely familiar with."

"That's not it." Alec let his eyes wander over her features. She was worried about him. All this time he thought she was freaked because he made himself her unofficial shadow. But she was worried about him. "If you're worried that I still haven't let go of what Manticore taught us as kids, drop it. I am my own man. No debunked secret government organization has rule over me. Not anymore."

"What if I can't help it?" She turned around, shocked at having been found out.

"Worry if you want, but I'm freer than you think."

"I know you're free. You can make up your own mind, for starters. But you're not obligated to make up for all the wrongs that Manticore did. You aren't personally responsible for them."

"But I'm responsible for myself."

Max frowned. There was something deep here, something that hurt him. Max tentatively reached a hand for his back, soothing the pain that was evident on his face. He had never shown anyone such a weakness before. If it weren't for the circumstances, she would consider herself lucky that he had opened up with her at all. He usually held his fabricated life firmly in front of him, hiding his true self from sight.

An older couple walked by them on the street, they glanced at the two and proceeded on, whispers rapidly following them. Given their genetically enhanced hearing, the two transgenics could clearly hear the words exchanged. Oh, they thought it was cute. A young couple, slipping outside for a quiet chat. Max fought the heat that threatened to color her face.

She tugged on the sleeve of his jacket. "Come with me. I know somewhere we can go and not be bothered by anyone."

Alec didn't even look up, he simply let her lead him. He suspected where they were going, knowing Max. The only refuge she had in this city, the only place that no one really ever went, was the Space Needle.

Once they made it up to the platform, Max shoved him back against a pillar.

Alec stared at her in total shock, the action unexpected. "Jeez, Max! What the hell?"

Max frowned shaking her head at him. Sometimes his path of logic just didn't make any sense. He always seemed bent on blaming himself for things that he had no control over. "Alec, you said you understood that you were not responsible for Manticore or its actions."

"Yeah, so?" Alec had an idea of where this was going, but he didn't have the energy to fight her anymore than give attitude in his responses.

"That includes the things that Manticore had you do." Max willed herself to have patience. It wasn't something she would have thought needed to be spelled out for him. But he was a guy after all.

"No it doesn't." He crossed his arms, ever like an obstinate child.

Max sighed, wanting to drop on the platform beneath her feet, but refused to. She had to be at eye level with him, or he would never get it. "You were trained, practically brainwashed, to be a blind soldier, doing only what was commanded of you by your superiors. You remember how you reacted to me when we first met back at Manticore? You thought I was some dirty freak for wanting to get out of there. You didn't see it like I did, living there. It was like living bound up in a cage like a prize pet."

"Yeah, I kinda know that. And trust me, now I see it the way you do."

"The point is, things you were commanded to do are under the jurisdiction of Manticore. You are not personally responsible for their outcome. Success or failure of the mission not withstanding, the mission itself was decreed by the institution that stole our lives. That place took away our freewill for the duration we were under its control."

"What about Rachel?" He lifted his arms in question. He was running out of excuses to blame himself. "I had made the decision to stop her from going to the car."

"You tried. That's one thing about humanity. Desires can compel anyone to anything. Rachel loved her father enough that she was able to break away from you, to try to save his life. You tried, Alec. You made the effort to try. That's all you could have done."

The sky cracked with a flash of lightning, the first droplets of rain falling from the rapidly overcastting dark clouds. The noise of thunder rumbled around them, shaking the iron framework on which they stood. The environment vibrated the truth of her statements, giving them authority.

Alec sunk to his knees, his palms coming down hard on the cold metal. She was right. It was rare when Max wasn't right. He had tried with all of his strength, all of his heart, but he couldn't save her, couldn't save Rachel. An innocent. He wasn't going to press the button to set off the bomb until he knew Rachel was safe. But Manticore had followed him. They had a button too, and they pushed it.

Max stepped cautiously toward him. "Alec, you don't have to hold the world on your shoulders. You don't have to go around apologizing for everyone else's mistakes."

Silent tears came to his eyes. He bent his head to shield them from sight, but they still dripped down onto his prostrate hands. No matter how much he had wanted to save Rachel, to give her and her father a chance to get away…Manticore still would have done it.

Max watched his brokenness. Her heart wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but she didn't know him well enough to offer that. Words were all she could give.

Max started gently, knowing he was hurting. "You wanna talk about it? What happened with Rachel, I mean?

He gave the briefest of nods. Manticore had never allowed previous missions to be brought up after debrief. For the first time in his life, Alec had someone he could talk to about his past.

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A/N: Well, what did you think? Please review--let me know how you feel about it. :) 


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